Of love,vodka and "shesher kobita"

I am thankful that my weekends have finally got blurry and noisy thanks to those zillion shots of vodka and midnight phone calls that seem to last effortlessly for hours.Also i am finally discovering Kolkata through my innumerable trips in the crowded city buses and the metro.It's not realy half as bad.
And it's great to be in love again...........ya i know I've said that so many times that it's become an inside joke that my friends laugh at but what the heck!!!

Three more things i'm realy looking forward to:

• the Pink Floyd tribute at Someplace Else 10th jan
• german classes at Max Mueller Bhavan from 17th jan
• the Kolkata Book Fair after a long six years

Books that i read recently were few but long due,had to catch up with a little bit of culture once i'm in the city.Shesher Kobita by Tagore and Na-hanyate(La Nuit,French; Bengal Nights, English) by Maitreyi devi.

Initial in the dust........

By some predetermined chance
petal by newer petal
inwards and outwards unfold my incandescent life in space;
When you look at a petal closely for the first time,
it grows transparent:you look through it into the abyss
the way a rose-leaf thins out to a bloodless parchment..........
Or a flame splits up an oil-wick into separate stamens of orange against night's purple.

Everywhere i may go yet,you
snake around my body;out and in......
Forked memory darting here and there
withdrawn into some hidden lipless kiss.........
I used as well to dance,before
your absence turned the days
into acres of ice and created deserts out of my long nights.

Each harsh tropical day
the shadow of incommunicable memory
slants across the canvas of the present hour:
All that is not you
is so full of you............

Nuance
of your initial glances off the moonscape;
wake me with the warmth of jubilant green dances,
exhilarating ,melting..........
Forgotten are those nights on your roof,
They have all pushed me forward and i have numbly moved on.

Yesterday no more..........

I finally came back to Kolkata, spent the first two weeks lazing around at home and doing my long overdue heap of good deeds like helping my kid sister with her schoolwork or helping mom around the kitchen a little bit. Then came the PG hunting, I had no idea that finding a decent PG accommodation in Salt lake would be so hectic and confusing. Anyway I finally got a good one and shifted last Sunday much to my parents’ relief (atleast it seemed so!!).

My good deeds also included my customary visit to my alma-mater to meet my old teachers. Visiting school this time was a revelation of sorts. It made me realise the fantastic world we once existed in and how we succumbed to its pseudo comfort. Those blurred nostalgic moments come flashing by everytime raw ruthless competition bangs straight on my face. The world I live in now is rudely and curtly “real”. Even now there’s a little girl somewhere inside who pops her head from nowhere and leaves me in the labyrinth of bittersweet memories.

College however taught me the lessons of a lifetime. Here memories come with cold expiry dates. I was always among the top five so no one dared to sneer at me because they needed my help. No one praised me either. My voice wasn’t mellifluous, dance never captured my toes and sports was just not for me. I was yet another obscure face in the sea of the faceless.

With just six months left for masters to get over I now know that life will never be a cakewalk anymore. It taught me to trust my enemies, they don’t flatter me. It revealed that there are more frustrations than excitements in life for people like us who are not born with a silver spoon, that success is perched above a thousand rickety stairs of failure. It made the stubborn me realise that I had 40 classmates and hardly one true friend. And then when those stipulated 5 years went by it declared it didn’t need me anymore and I subtly conveyed that I didn’t need it either.

Lastly it shouted shamelessly at me, you live one day and survive everyday.

Want

Want a cold cloudy day so that i can oversleep
Want to catch the bus on time
Want to be with family
Want to stop bothering about the future
Want to tell a friend how much he means to me
Want to have a good cry and not feel guilty about it later
Want to stop sulking over past relationships
Want loud noisy blurry weekends
Want to be with someone who cares
Want to sit on the roof with my 3rd bottle of vodka and fight with the stars
Want to reach out to a special someone i've been ignoring
Want to be loved.

Disillusionment

Palms dipped in pails,
Brimming with synthetic liquid;
Spattered fingerprints on the bleak facades,
Like cement fragments broken into rubble.


A grey cat sits by the window pane
Licking the bewildering dust;
The mocking crow calls incessantly
Bellowing the stagnant air,
As it paddles into motion.


The clock strikes hours in advance.
A misty vision is mitigated,
As obtrusive flashes of red-light,
Capers the floor of sight;
To ballet over the cross-section of time.

yet another one....

Watched Dostana today.I think its official now that Karan Johar is undoubtedly the undisputed king of crass and tasteless cinema.

I mean put in a shirtless poster boy in a pair of very tiny shorts(make him run in them on beaches obviously!!), a foreign locale (if not the usual Switzerland or New york then Miami!!),a monstrous penthouse(totally unaffordable though they call it home!),throw in some shreds of clichéd designer outfits and there …………….you have a movie!!!

When exams were squeezing the last bit of juice in me and all the late nights had given me the dark circles of an owl,I thought that this movie would come as a relief.In a way it did,we de-stressed by ogling at John don’t-remember-when-he-last-had-clothes-on Abraham’s washboard abs................:-p

The other very predictable things about the movie was the Oh-so-boring typical Punjabi Bollywood “maa” with her “pooja-ki-thali” who’s more than obsessed with her son.And not forgetting the Bollywood “heroine” who just has to act dumb(aren’t they realy??) and sit pretty while three over-grown remotely mature guys go about serenading her!!!

And as far as the "being gay" issue goes,its outrageous!! I have friends who are gay and they are perfectly normal people.Neither do they behave like women nor are they overtly expressive of their sexuality.Give them a break guys!!

At a point of time the movie is not even funny anymore.Its just another random addition to the storehouse of mindless emotional sagas the guy makes with a "force-you-to-cry happy ending".I mean the guy rips off scenes from his own earlier films..............lolz!!!!

I think he should stick to his "koffee-drinking" household gossip with his "chaddi-buddies"(he calls that a chat show!!)

I'm just glad that i didn't go to an INOX to check this one out! Now that's money well-saved...

The ending of an era...........

Been away for quite some time now.
Third semester exams started today (and i'm blogging!!!) VIT is finally ending for all of us,ten more days to go and i am off to Kolkata for good.Feels kind of wierd that i might never sit in a classroom again.It's been an inseparable part of me since i was a toddler.

Since VIT is ending,now is the time when i have to fill in a zillion slambooks and diaries(yes i know its highly cliched but we still do it!)Its something i despise,mainly because i don't even know the names of half the people in my class in whose slambooks i write!!! The only bright side of such illustrious wastage of time is that i get to generously give all my "gyaan" whether they like it or not.
Anyway the bottomline is that writing in these stupid slambooks gives me a new insight on people and relationships.

People come and people go.Some leave a lasting impression and fond memories and others don't even make a dent.For some you wish you had the time to get to know them better before they moved out of your life(sometimes without even telling you that!!!) and for others you wish you hadn't even laid your eyes on them.Some you wish had stayed and others had never come!!

Relationships are an investment i believe.Some invest more and others less.But everyone invests!! They are also based on the"give and take system". Again,some people give more than others,but in the end everyone has to give something!! It could be their time,thier money or their integrity.That's just a way of life and human interaction.But somehow some people will still have issues in acknowledging this.

The complexities of the human mind are truly fascinating!!

Mumbai meri jaan.........

Finally I thought of my blog.I have just been simply lazy lately and given the fact that I have rediscovered the joys of napping only to be interrupted by food and an episode of Scrubs here and there,blogging was the last thing I was thinking about.

I sometimes feel I shouldn’t be making my life public for people to read but the other day someone told me that “blogging is not making my life public its about making my opinion public” so I am back.

Lots have been happening which have to go on my blog.

First of all Bombay happened………my best friends mandy(mandrila) and beda(bedannita) have shifted there some time now so crashing in with them for a few days was always an option,plus I had never been to Bombay before so things kinda fell into place n I went there for a week.

Mumbai to me was just a name of a city in some corner of the country I had never been to, and like most non-mumbaikars I also perceived it as being an unsafe place given the horrific train blasts(7/11)………and to add to that the grim picture that bollywood gives us of mafias or should I say “bhai”s patrons of india’s underworld who sit in every random “galli” ruling the city at gunpoint. All I knew of Mumbai was that it has Asia’s largest slum “Dharavi” in the heart of the city, marine drive, the Juhu beach and the famous “vadapao” and “gola”.

But the week that I spent there gave me the bigger and the more real picture.The city is an enigma and its people a mystery. Not even for a moment did I feel like an outsider there, it all felt so mine.From the auto-wala to the random shopkeeper,from the stranger who sat next to me in the local train to the street vendors in Bandra……….i had this weird sense of belonging,something that I didn’t have even for Kolkata.

Four days passed in four seconds and my friends crammed in all that they could of Mumbai into me. The best part was late night outings on marine drive, we were out there for hours staring at the sea and the occasional “sutta” added to the soul searching.The distant lights from the skyscrapers were like a bevy of watchful eyes seemed to keep a track of the reckless impulsive bunch that we were.One thing remains though…… I still don’t know how the queen’s necklace looks in broad daylight L

Then came the shopping……..street shopping,every girl’s favourite pastime when the bucks are a little low. I was amazed at the kind of stuff that these street vendors had,they could give brands a run for their money.We spent hours on Link road,Hill road and the streets near the Colaba Causeway till we dropped.Its just the one thing that girls never get tired of.I also thought that the average mumbaikar was better dressed than people in other metros,everybody seemed to know what’s in vogue .I am obviously broke after all the mindless shopping,I even got stuff that I would probably never ever use, i guess I was on some kind of an eclectic high.

And finally all the nice people I met in Mumbai,it would never be the same without you guys. Mandy,Beda,Khyati and all the lovely friends that you have.Mandy simply because she’s my my best friend, all those silly reasons that we keep giggling endlessly at,all the gossip that we share and her delicious sandwiches!! I think the time we took to end up making them with the olives and garnishing(ahem!) and that we were too exhausted to actually eat them made it all the more crazy.

Not forgetting my buddy Abhishek dude you rock!! I actually sat through those horrible movies “Kidnap” and “Drona” because I was with you.The bus ride back to Bangalore was fun because of your crappy and crazy sense of humour. Hoping tht you end up getting that “hot chic” that you have always been looking for ;-)

And lastly Mumbai has “something” that I have and will always crave for but can never have. Fate denies us our most wanted things :-(

memories of midnight

A dry leaf tosses frantically in the storm oblivious to the course where storm is carrying it.He sneaked into my life like a zephyr.Gentle but charismatic which turned into a cyclone of my desires and wishes.He stirred up the quiescent desires of a juvenile girl.

He couldn't percieve the changes i was going through and neither did i bother.I just kept floating amidst the torrents............at times sinking deep and at times hovering on the surface to envisage the new world around me.I was drenched in the rains of love ignorant to the fire curtained within it.

The fire is still ablaze........a fire that is wild and passionate..........turning my fragments leisurely into ashes..........
Just like the storm that is restlessly anticipated to carry away my vestiges................

Ahh!! burning is a joy...........my immense gratitude for this pain that you bestowed on me.....:-)

Fireflies.

Ephemeral nemesis of lightness gloom
Near some eerie fragment of psychedelic apparition
Medieval beacons shimmering silently in the dark,
Like creation itself.........
Fireflies flit around me,
My mind,my beliefs.
Infinitesimal torchbearers of unfathomed creation!
You may not be much to discern
And the tiny beam you shoot may seem trifling
But somehow,
When all of you glisten together........
For one fleeting instance....
This pitiful darkness clears a lot........i can behold my path again.
When i trap you in my palm,you glow on........
Undaunted,unvanquished.
You make me hope again,trust again..............thai i may be able to make it back home,
Through this thickening darkness............you make me try again
To clear this misanthropic dark an inch more.
Instead of all those cowards who assure me that dawn shall soon come,
And yet leave me alone in the dark and hide...........behind the impotent curtains of hypocrisy!!
So glow on my friend!
And maybe in this tragic night we shall find companions in each other.........
We shall combat our enemies together,
Triumph together,laugh together............
Fearful were my thoughts wen i first embarked out on this night,
Yet i feel sovereign again.............
For now i know,even when the night grows most malignant..............i shall see your steady gleam.
Tiny...........
Flickering...........and victorious!!!

Occasional syringe in my thought process........

I did a whole lot of nothing today, which is a lot of hard work if you ask me.I think I napped twice. Awesome. College kind of gets to u especially if you are in some god-forsaken place like Vellore. But it also kinda makes you want to hold it all back a little longer .Yup.......its official now……………just three months left for VIT to get over……..Phew!!!! It was one hell of a year!!!!! When you are in a place that takes pride in its rules and regulations and always comes up with some crappy new rule to bug you,you eventually know where to find the loopholes and thats where the fun begins!!!!!

Now we are all busy taking snaps all the time. We all have boxes of old photos stored on some back shelf. It’s amazing the history and memories that these little pieces of paper hold. They are of course priceless and irreplaceable (even the ones where you look stupid and even wierd sometimes........)

The other good thing that happened this weekend was ROCK ON!!.........what a kickass movie!!!!! The entire theatre was filled with VITians and bloody we screamed our lungs out!! The girls couldn’t get enough of Farhaan Akhtar(what more can this guy do????) and Arjun Rampal(sexy pony by the way!!!)…….i mean where the hell was all this all this time.On a more serious note,the film truly marks the coming of age of bollywood, it’s a well-made film with a lot of detailing and also lived upto the expectations of the “ paisa wasool” junta.


My phone has finally given in after 3 years of faithful servitude. Now that I come to think of it I think of all the people I’ve been mean to, I’ve been the worst ever to my phone. I’ve soaked it in water, thrown it several times(because I was pissed with some stupid guy!!)………..Well I'm praying that I no longer get the "white screen of death" that my phone has been doing to me lately.

I've crossed paths with some people lately who think I'm awesome. I love that, and it's a good feeling, but I have to question it. Nobody sees the same damn fool that I see in the mirror every time I brush my teeth. What the heck……….I am who I am. And I had a really big "Who am I?" crisis yesterday……getting lot better now though.
And don't ask me why I'm awake at such an awful hour. Please. Yes, I'm a nutcase. Let's get that out of the way.I’m completely devoid of nicotine. Maybe that why I’m so bitter. Its like an occasional syringe in my thought process, but otherwise, I'm doing great.

Blogs can be wild, unpredictable storehouses of moments, tangents, creative dervishes, if you will. My mental compost heap (which is a catch phrase from Natalie Goldman or Julia Cameron - I can't think which, right now) finally seems to be allowing a fairly regular seepage of by-products. Its a gross analogy, but I give myself credit to be what I am today. It proves that I'm not so much the procrastinating perfectionist that I once was.

And that's what my week's been like, trying to be responsive and lost in my own surroundings. I suppose blogs are a little like soap operas, you tend to get addicted to them. This is again a skeletal version of a mindless entry I wrote that will get lost in the who-knows-where of cyberspace.

couldn't think of what to call this.....

Came across a page from my diary which i wrote when i was in the 9th standard,probably because i had kept it very carefully all these years,so much that i had forgotten where i had kept it.I had just read "David Copperfield" by Dickens then and this was something that had completely washed me away..................

Diary entry
11th april,2001
"Suppose ________ _________ one day i told you that i loved you and that i would die without you,that i idolised and worshippedyou. Life without your love was unbearable and could not be tolerated so i wouldn't bear it.I haved loved you every minute to distraction and that i would always love you to distraction.Lovers have loved before and lovers would love again but no lover has ever loved,might,will,could,would or should ever love you as i love you...................."


Well,i still haven't got a name to fill in there yet.
Damn love hurts!!!!!

Color

Color..............color in my veins,in my soul
The nights of inky darkness,...............the chill of blue winters,
the purple dawns,the orange dusks............ancient monuments streaked with red.
the earthy brown of the morning cup of coffee or the yellowed pages of my favorite book.
The half-forgotten dreams of midnight.............

White;..................white like the blinding mists,like the glass of milk i despise...........or the streaks in my mother's hair.
Or grey;the rainy skyline............like the stubborn pangs of guilt still surviving.

Spasms of color explode as i close my eyes and take deep breath.
The order in the chaos.....................a riot of colors.

A warm smile,yellow and bright.........
Tears;blue,grey...........glistening........
Darkness breathes,shadows stealthily creep in grey,blue and white.
Black;............like the void,the nothing,...............black like the all enveloping comforting blanket.

Colors...........fascinating!!

Bits n pieces...........

Well m finally blogging!!

There's so much to say and words seem inadequate to put them down.Last night found me wandering through a maze of thoughts.kinda makes u feel small where you stand,wen u look ahead,wen u realize all u cud do with ur own quota of grey cells that u allow to go to waste.

Also makes u think,there is after all a point to life........achieving the intangible.



The tangible is petty,money?clothes?car? all dat weak souls like me need to boost their deprieved egos dat they cant seem to pamper with real intangible things.



Real,intangible...........did i just coin an oxymoron there?



I am lost and messed up..........yet again.......... memories like little shafts here and there,too stony to open up,too stubborn to go away.I keep capturing essences,images and impressions as so many people i knw keep moving on past me.



Is dis a wave of inconfidence?No

i have yet another rung to climb.

yet another journey dressed in rags,literary rags