montaged utopia.....

Okay then

2011-04-06T02:56:00.002+05:30

You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken. You are afraid to stcik out your chin and say, "Life's a fact.' People DO fall in love. People do belong to each other. Because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness. You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, yet you're terrified that someone's goin to put you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in a cage and you built it yourself. It's everywhere you go. Beacuse no matter where you run you'll always end up running into yourself

To You

2011-01-22T01:59:00.004+05:30

Dear I,

You and I don’t exist in the same world anymore. The most we get is colliding our boundaries on a social networking site, and even then, your life is so distant, so far removed from mine that it’s hard to believe that once we were in the same book, on the same page, even. You and I were last five messages on each other’s phones, and now for whatever reasons, I don’t even think I look at your number anymore.

Even though you have fallen to the wayside, in the television show of my life, you are no longer “featured guest”, I still have occasion to look at what you’re doing and where you’re going. Sometimes, I marvel at the smallness and insularity of our worlds, someone might mention your name to me, in passing, and I pause for a second, just to think about life the way it used to be. We give a lot of thought to lovers—ex and present—but we don’t think that much about friends, especially the ones that used to be.

For the most part, the death of our friendship seemed inevitable. Perhaps it was the wrong choices, perhaps it was just geography, but you, who used to be part of the fibre of my everyday life, have been patched over. Sometimes when I hear a song you used to love, or tell a story that you were a part of, I feel a pang of longing. Not longing for who you are now, in much the same way that I don’t think you give a thought to who I am now, but for who we were then. It’s hard to exist for 24 years without making an equal share of friends and enemies, and while I do think I am blessed in my friendships, having had some for over ten years, I know that it’s not possible to be friends with everyone, all the time.

Sometimes, you might have wronged me, at least in my head. That’s when I feel an absurd sense of proving to you how much better off I am. Look, look at me, look at my photos, look at my cheery status updates, look at my life, I don’t miss you, not one teeny tiny bit.

But the fact of the matter is, we’re getting older, old friend. I’m edging towards my mid-twenties (and sometimes, so are you). Did you ever imagine that we could be thirty? Did you ever imagine that we’d be here and not with each other? And so I realize, that like most things in life, I have to let you go. It’s a small, small world, and we might bump into each other someday—either at your local coffee shop or at mine. But let’s not play the nothing happened charade. Let’s acknowledge each other, either with a nod or a smile, and let’s live our lives, knowing that the other person existed, and that we were, at one point, richer for it.

With fondness,

Pablo Neruda wrote this for me

2011-01-12T17:04:00.005+05:30

Yes, i'm alive, been away on purpose, been through hell(more on that later), but hopefully i'm back and here to stay, safe and warm in the crumples of cyberspace.

Read a lot through the last few months and this was something that pulled me back, i am convinced Pablo Neruda wrote it for me

"I should like to sleep like a cat,
with all the fur of time,
with a tongue rough as flint,
with the dry sex of fire;
and after speaking to no one,
stretch myself over the world,
over roofs and landscapes,
with a passionate desire
to hunt the rats in my dreams."
— Pablo Neruda

Basu's Bengal....

2010-02-01T22:13:00.000+05:30

For every child who grew up in West Bengal in the 80s and 90s Jyoti Basu was nothing short of a war hero. Left politics would never be the same again in Bengal.

It might seem a bit unfair to judge a towering individual of his stature by the fate of the political movement he left behind. I admire him for 2 reasons; one, for having exercised an unchallenged hold on the politics of West Bengal in a manner unprecedented in politics. This in itself is an achievement. Two, Bengal remained politically immune from communal politics for years.

But no matter what he remained a committed communist, and in doing so cheated Bengal of its simplicity. He was a ruthless political party machine. He overlooked the fact that Bengal’s transition from an agricultural to a non agricultural one would depend upon basic things like health and education. Therefore his rule remains something of a puzzle to me.

But you have to admit that he built a citadel against two enemies: the Congress centralism of Delhi and the exploitation of share croppers in Bengal. His legacy remains monumental despite his regressive policies which drove industrialization out of Bengal. His historic land reforms and spectacular political fortunes still prevent the state to come out of the economic quagmire that Basu led it into. I think he owed his civility to a bhadralok cultural sensibility than to a revolutionary. The Bengali upper classes made their peace with him because he became a mascot of a genial Bengali identity.

What still bothers me is whether his contributions to Indian democracy will survive debates over his ideological fidelity to communism.

delhi 6

2010-01-20T02:49:00.002+05:30

Delhi is almost like a dead city during its summer months. In summer I often wondered what still keeps this city going. When I stepped down from the car onto the streets of Chandni Chowk, I instantly knew what.

Chandni Chowk can be called a sub-city of sorts within Delhi. The vibrant colors and dizzyingly delicious fragrances fill up your senses. Not to miss the Hindi love songs jingled beside heartbreaking ghazals, the new lingo you learn while you overhear a ‘maal’ conversation….well, it’s all for free!

Passing through the crowded streets filled with rickshaws, cars, scooters, bikes, dogs and people , it looked like every space seemed to have been put to use, shops selling DVD players and video cameras next to old men at stalls repairing watches or polishing shoes, street food being cooked and served, and the occasional medical and dental shops. You don’t "walk" down these streets but instead you work through the crowds of thousands of other people, it is overwhelming to say the least. So I stood and contemplated the sheer number of people around me in this overheated, dusty, dirty, broken down relic of an imperial city, and let my still reeling mind turn on the fact that this was the poverty in which most of the city lived.

I had decided that that I would venture off into the quaint odd alleys on my own so I waited impatiently for the rest of the group to gather at Karim’s for lunch. Lunch was elaborate with mutton burras, roomali rotis, biriyani, chicken and firni in generous amounts. I think the men made utmost use of this opportunity, the women kept nibbling little of everything. The walk back from Karim’s through Dariba Kalan and Parathe wali galli was interspersed with more food. I guess its okay to keep eating as long as you don’t outweigh your refrigerator!!

Dr. Nigam seemed different today. He took us through the alleys of Chandni Chowk like how a father would take his kids to the zoo for the first time, stopping at just the right places for the rabri, lassi and then at nataraj’s for bhalle and so on so forth. He insisted that we stuff ourselves up with all the awesome street food. Also the number of places that he knew around the place couldn’t be covered in a single day. We missed out on Ghalib ki Haveli, Chitli Kabar and a closer look inside Jama Masjid.

Next came Khari Baoli. This walk would be a chef’s delight or a food lover’s dream walk, as it takes you through the biggest spice market in Asia. I stopped to talk to a local shopkeeper and asked him what Khari Baoli meant and he told me the name of the street indicates that there must have been a step well here and its water would have been salted. Some others said that there was a step well and it was used for washing the cattle, but today I found no trace of any step well there. As i walked down the street, I saw spices displayed outside the numerous small and big shops. Interestingly the shops are known by their number rather than their names or the owner’s name. Though the traders prefer to deal with the wholesale buyers, but they do entertain the retail buyers too. The pickles and the chutneys were mouth watering.

As we walked down the busy road and smiled at some friendly passersby, I realized that this wild, magical and subtly shocking place did for me what Gregory David Robert’s Bombay did for him. I came across a lot of ‘lin Babas’ and a lot of ‘Prabhakers’ and I mused if Chandni Chowk failed to fill up my senses, nothing ever would.

Strangely, I was far from exhausted and came back to the office to sit with the tech team for more work on the website.

For a few more glimpses go here.

and here's to Saturday

2010-01-16T04:19:00.001+05:30

People and places have strange ways of creeping into our lives. After 5 months of being in Delhi, I have finally found companionship in places I least expected. It’s strange how some people who you never thought would remotely interest you become dear friends. What those Saturdays have done for me is beyond words really.

I think I had the toughest time with the relaxation exercise at the end of every session, I just couldn’t see what you wanted me to see. It would make me revisit all my painful memories since childhood, parents getting divorced, losing a best friend to car accident, adolescent crushes that never became relationships, breaking up with the ones that actually did and so on. I remember breaking down after your session once and telling you about it. I still haven’t quite figured that out.

Your sessions were breaths of fresh air that I frantically kept tossing in oblivious to where it took me. The ability to talk to 36 odd people without judging them is something I have I acquired. The ability to accept my flaws and work towards correcting them is what I am working on. Above all, the sanity to work under pressure situations came through those zillion small inter-personal exercises that you made us do.

I was scared when I started on this journey, now I am calmer. I know that even when the environment gets most malignant, a tiny voice in me will push me further ahead. My immense gratitude to you for having shown me a new “me”.

Copenhagen Confusions

2009-12-05T13:38:00.003+05:30

While the entire ministry is going gaga over India's stand on carbon emission cuts, the young turks in the house yesterday created a big hoo haa about climate change too. But this little thing has raised quite a many eyebrows.
So is global warming realy a conspiracy theory? Is Jairam Ramesh listening?

and that's the way it is.......

2009-11-24T23:29:00.004+05:30

I learnt two things on my first night out at NDTV, first i can't procastinate and second it doesn't matter if i'm trying to be rational around a bunch of kids. As my edit shift rolled from the 6pm-10pm slot to the 10pm-5am slot, things got crazier and by morning all i had were sore eyes, a back ache and a bad edit.

I have a deadline of 26th to meet and i am expected to deliver a 6-8 min documentary. The sleepless slumber today morning took me back to my lab in Bose Institute, it now feels warmer, cosier and incubated. Here i feel violated, cold and naked where a thousand eyes are watching my every move.

The icing on the rotten cake was the meeting with Dr. Prannoy Roy. His being in the same room five feet away from me speaks volumes in itself and he looked at us with the expectations a parent has from their child, and that pretty much did it.

The journey is now getting longer and longer and the destination lost somewhere on the misty road that i'm treading on.

Is it a wave of depression?No. It is a bevy of questions that i am not being able to find answers of.

Lost in translation

2009-11-16T22:58:00.003+05:30

journal entry november 5th.........

We looked at the masters again today while discussing cubism and abstract expressionism in art. It was overwhelming and makes you realize what a human mind is capable of. I have looked at Picasso’s cubism but Marcel Duchamp came as a revelation of sorts. I think the creative work is not of the artist alone, it connects the spectator with it who adds more meaning to it by adding his/her own interpretations and thus gives the piece its wholesomeness. Though Duchamp had the elements of fragmentation and synthesis of cubists, he also had the dynamism of the futurists. This came across beautifully in his Nude descending staircase No. 2.

Pollock epitomizes the term “action painting” using his hand, wrist and whole body to paint while challenging the conventions of using an easel. Hence he consciously moved from figurative representation to a more immediate means of creating art. I understand his urgency to have his art the way he wanted it to but Damien Hirst was a shocker. The works of this artist are basically lumps of dead animals in formaldehyde. Maybe they were too zany to attract sane people. But I think Hirst is very clever, his tact was to first grab the attention, whether it will stand the test of time is a different question altogether. I think it has and definitely will. Hirst is kind of a showman, derives all his sadist pleasures from his commercial success. He has a league of his own and it here to stay.

and so it continues......

The " dope sheet " Bug

2009-09-10T00:44:00.006+05:30

Two weeks of research led to a two page document on it; i think i read about a hundred pages on MS Word to get the whole idea into my stubborn "scientific" head.The fact that i witnessed a Lalgarh (May-June 2009) for the two months that i was at home made me reconsider whether i was actually cut out to do what i would be doing @ NDTV.
The "dope sheet " bug came along pretty quickly and i didnt need more than a minute's time to decide what i wanted to do. The Dope Sheet is essentially the foundation of a news story and it's one of NDTV's ingenious ways of making us know stuff that we all should have long back.It's a verbal,conversational presentation that we are asked to give a group of 40 aspiring journalists for around 10 mins or so.Here is what came out of it.

Naxalism and political insurgency in India: an inconvenient reality

Forty two years after the Naxalbari uprising, it is remarkable that Maoism remains a potent political force. It has survived the retreat of the Left in academia and trade unions, It has survived the rise of caste, politics, even the rise of the NGO sector, provided a platform to separate 'social' work from 'political' work.
While some Naxals of the 60s and 70s did make a few changes in their political beliefs and practices, the movement seems none the weaker for that reason. The Left landscape is a minefield of splinter groups, but for all their differences these organizations pose a serious threat to state power. Therefore, when one takes stock of 42 years of Naxalism, we should understand it as a phenomenon of the present rather than of the past.
The naxalite movement emerged from a violent uprising in Naxalbari on May 25th 1967 by the local peasants in protest of the CPI (M) government lead by Charu Majumdar and Kanu Sanyal.Their main agenda has been to destroy the State legitimacy and to create a mass base, with certain degree of acceptability, with the ultimate object of attaining political power by violent means. This was the period in Europe, Asia and America, when new radical struggles were breaking out marked by the rereading of Marx, the rediscovery of the sources of revolutionary humanism
The Naxalite movement was a part of this contemporary, worldwide impulse among radicals to return to the roots of revolutionary idealism and they went to their base-the peasants who had a long tradition of fighting against imperialism and feudalism.

Presently the movement is restricted to an impoverished region known as the “Red Corridor” under which comes parts of Andhra Pradesh, Bihar, Chhattisgarh, Jharkhand, Karnataka, Madhya Pradesh, Orissa, Uttar Pradesh and West Bengal states. The main reasons why these areas are significant in such militant activity are because of indigenous tribal populations who are disadvantaged in their relationship with other components of society, deep caste divides and low literacy levels especially in Bihar and Jharkhand.
The movement is highly organized in terms of its hierarchy and uses a 13 member politbureau with state representatives who channelize funds for procuring arms and ammunitions. Their funds come from various sources like government and non-government funds, extorting money from businessmen, contractors and even from illegal opium cultivation in some states. Their modus operandi is predominantly by attacking police stations, infrastructure like rail and road transport and power transmission; manifest themselves through civil societies on issues like the SEZ policy, land reforms, displacement etc.
Interestingly, the involvement of women has been very high throughout its inception and hundreds of women have participated in encounters and ambush operations etc but most of them are now struggling to adapt themselves to mainstream life. Some are even fighting for the rights of surrendered women militants through community groups like the Bandhumitra.
The casualties in civilian lives and security forces in these areas have been over 6000 in the last 20 years and the government is yet to show some definitive action. The obstacles faced by the government are on the lines of weak political leadership in these areas, improper coordination between the centre and the state, also the economic backwardness cannot be ruled out. Another big setback was the failure of the salwa judum campaign. Though according to official claims, the Salwa Judum campaign was a Gandhian, voluntary and spontaneous movement that began in June 2005 but it was a cult of violence let loose. There is also a very strong naxal-politician nexus in the country which has to be disrupted. On paper, several measures to tackle the problem have been taken such as setting up of task forces like the CoBRA , organizational bodies, commissions, coordination teams, a 14-point action plan etc. However, the implementation of these measures is seriously flawed with the exception of the grey hounds in AP. It is important to determine whether this is a national problem or a state problem.
While the Naxalites operate only within geographical boundaries, the government has to operate within both geographical and political boundaries. This explains the divergence of approach between different states i.e in some states, it is possible for the government to hold talks with the Naxals, in others, it is not.
A proper analysis of the Naxal threat is very important given that while some of them are mercenaries and others are ideologues, a vast majority enter the movement because they have no other choice. Despite their theoretical allegiance to Marx and Lenin, they have not made any serious effort to organize urban masses, instead evolving over the years as a political organization of tribals, marginal peasants and Dalits in a corridor of about 150 districts from Bihar to Andhra Pradesh through Chhattisgarh and Orissa. Urban upper middle class ex-Naxals might laugh off the encirclement theory, but for rural cadres exposed to the excesses of urban India after the consumer boom of the 90s the cause remains plausible as ever. Thus the tools in the hands of Naxals are ideologies tailor-made for the oppressed masses, fear of the gun, and a messiah/Robin Hood image.
Another perspective that we could look at is the idea of development with naxals in power, if they are given government resources/private resources/funds for development activity that would be credited to them it would further enhance their image among the tribals ,but the return for the government would be sustained economic ventures enhancing the quality of life of the tribals and economic improvement will eventually bring about a change in perception. Development in Naxal areas will change a lot of existing dynamics.
The intellectuals of the country can and should play a greater role in defining the threat. It is important to spread the government's reach to large parts of untouched territories. Unless this is done, no amount of force can provide a solution. The biggest danger today is that of militarizing the problem. Fortunately, within the armed forces, there is great clarity that the army should not get involved in this problem. The police force, however, is still not capable of providing security. While better training and arming of the police forces is important, it is necessary to strategize various responses. This presents a difficult intellectual challenge and the national effort needs to be directed towards addressing it.
Media interest in such an issue has been substantial with the parallel film industry showing considerable interest in the issue with films like Sudhir Mishra’s Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi and Hazaar Chaurasi ki Ma adapted from Mahasweta Devi’s novel.
The fundamental question therefore still is to understand the nature of the threat before deciding upon the approach to deal with it. To understand today's India, it is essential to listen to these voices that describe the tortuous odyssey of a political movement that had been born from the womb of the bleeding Indian countryside.

Criticism and comments welcome.

An urban intimacy

2009-09-01T00:34:00.002+05:30

Time is just slipping me by and the worse hit is my blog.This week there was lots to do at work.The big presentation on Anderson Cooper and then continuing to plunge deeper into my dope sheet issues.I am now really getting the feel of Dr.Nigam's "pressure cooker environment".Anderson Cooper went realy well probably because we contrasted him with Arnab Goswami.

Delhi is getting more simpler,the traffic doesn't piss me off anymore as i take an auto every morning to office,i don't mind if it's raining and i have to wade through a knee-deep puddle to get home,even if i am wearing white that day.I guess i'm growing up.

Saturday got interesting as Vivek Mansukhani started with out theatre workshops,it was essentially for some people to overcome the fear of public speaking but we did some innovative team building exercises.I think it was the first time after coming to NDTV that i let my hair down,never knew that dumbcharades, mimes and role-playing could be so much fun.

Then came "Shob Choritro Kalponik" , Rituporno Ghosh's new film.An intriguing watch after ages i must say after a disatrous spate of films like Chokher Bali and Antarmahal.Bipasha Basu was stunning in her debut bengali film with her tassar and silk sarees,braided hair and her big black bindi. The film spoke of a woman's journey to self-discovery bordering on paranoia after her poet husband's death.The film stood by Ghosh's school of filmaking,his provoking script and out of the box cinematography and edits.The shots were edgy and inanely fluid at the same time taking the solitary viewer on a visual ride especially where bipasha hallucinates conversing with her alter ego.The pace of the film is intersperced with some excellent poetry by Joy Goswami and soulful Rabindra sangeet by Srabani Sen.

Monday found me in office earlier than usual.The day whizzed past like every other,now that our pace is to the power 3 according to Dr.Nigam.Looking forward to lots this week,some of them would be on the lines of

talking to Mr.Suni Sethi,chairman of FDCI who is organising the first of its kind,men's fashion week in Delhi (and we obviously get passes for the 13th Sep finale!!)
meeting Vikram Chandra,of The Big Fight fame who is coming to talk to us about changes that could be incorporated in his show.(Woah!!)
the Delhi book fair at Pragati Maidan
the innumerable plays at National School of Drama and India Habitat Centre that we bunk workshops to go to.
not forgetting Quick Gun Murugan on thursday with the entire class.

Delhi is not so bad after all,i get to be with such nice people rather than pubbing all the time which was all i did in Bangalore with some jerks ( for some people i should be doing that here as well,Delhi's supposed to have a great nightlife and all that blah!!).

Also i read two excellent books, Hanif Khureishi's The Black Album and Mohsin Hamid's Moth Smoke. More on them later.

Credibility,anyone??

2009-08-08T01:14:00.004+05:30

It was supposed to be another long day of the workshop on news and broadcasting, we were all doing the usual,shuffling the morning paper,getting ready with the beat of the day,discussions were burning up on the editorials... all in a wierd sequence that we've sort of become seasoned and desensitised to for the past ten days here at NDTV.

But here's the nice part,our visit to the Lok Sabha.Intimidated as i always am,it was excitement verging on paranoia that you get to be in the epicentre of the Indian polity,the powerhouse of the democracy where governments are run,bills passed and laws made for the teeming millions in the country.

The drive from Okhla to Janpath couldn't be more impatient,with the flashy NDTV id that i had i couldn't feel any less important.The press clearance made all the security checks hassle-free although i wonder if they could catch me if i stuffed weed into my bra or something!!I know that sounds corny but i guess we could manage some of it considering the women guards were too reluctant to stop their saas-bahu sagas to do their jobs.

The scene inside was nothing short of a movie set with half the house absent,the oldies dozing off at the back and the few in front too involved in bickering with the opposition even before the arguement began.Though i saw the likes of Pranab Mukherjee,Mamta Banerjee,Sushma Swaraj,Varun Gandhi...they vanished within seconds and the house was adjourned every half hour.

I mean,here we are paying taxes,battling inflation,voting these guys so that some good comes out of it all and here they were politicians (in the truest sense of the term) having living room chit-chats with each other.An elated Sushma Swaraj greeted a Pranab Mukherjee with a "Dada kamon achhen?Khawa holo?"before she scurried away for lunch and a Shatrughan Sinha interrupted every speaker (thus adding the comic element) by his famous "Khamosh" quote before leaving the house in session to address a bunch of starstruck school kids.Sure enough he would be on page2 of some local daily the next day.

I was disappointed,ashamed and disgusted at it all.These guys use big words like terrorism,nuclear deals,peace treaties and they were the laughing stock of a bunch of school kids who were more responsible,more sensible and perhaps more credible if you may say so.

I use the word "credible" because everyday we are taught that journalism is dead if you aren't credible,people look up to you and say"hey your story on swine flu made my life a little simpler,i know where i could get my daughter tested" or whatever.Credibilty adds value to an objective,trivial or massive.It helps you connect with a farmer in Rajasthan,a home maker in Pune,a school teacher in Bengal and the business tycoon in Delhi all in one go.It's just one shot at it,either you make it or break it.Period.

I walked out aghast after a forty minute session that seemed to take forever.The bunch of kids sitting in the gallery couldn't wait to get out and giggle the whole day's event at Mc Donald's perhaps.

Questions few, answers fewer, insights many. As we drove back a silent bunch, i still couldn't figure out whether i missed a step or they did climb too many together?? Then again truth is relative,works constantly on closure,it's knowable but it's definitely not belieavable.

Snuggling in....

2009-07-31T23:59:00.005+05:30

Finally thought of my blog after a whole month...reasons many....more on them later.
As of now it's been three days in Delhi and i'm loving it.All the color,the heat,the dust,the traffic jams,the new daunting smell of things...i could go on and on.

Work is hectic,class is a mixed eclectic bunch.The NDTV mentors regardless of saying have been scaring the daylights out of us,probably because we are here to deliver so much. Ideas,innovations,brainstorms that would constantly re-brand them and ofcourse live upto choices that we made for ourselves.The mere thought of Dr.Prannoy Roy's workshops,learning camera techniques from Ajmal Jami(he covered the Kargil war for NDTV)is making me jittery.At the end of the day it all comes down to whether you can live upto all that you've ever wanted from yourself,pushing aside all frozen memories and living on the edge.It just couldn't get better.

The city is being nice to me as well,from my landlady(she's above 50 and never looked hotter) to the stranger at the Tata Indicom store(now friend) who helped fix my laptop on my first day out here;the cute family friend whom my mom insists should only be a brother to me(ouch!!) ;17 year old Kalika(roommate in my PG) whom i'm entitled to spoil.....and ofcourse phone calls from a special someone i left behind in Kolkata :(

Right now i'm busy with researching stuff that i'm supposed to know as a "journalist";i like the sound of the word,have yet to get used to it.A long night and a long way to go.....

The Dark Knight

2009-06-28T20:34:00.005+05:30

The news was shocking.A deeply disturbed superstar left himself wide open to the vultures as he insisted on living in his own world of fancy.

The fact that MJ lived till 50 was in many ways strange.Footage of the child abuse trial of 2005 showed that he was "tiny,weak,flesh in the face visibly shrinking,pale and in very poor health".I believe facing more than 18 years in jail in more than 10 child molestation related cases;forced to sit through more than 60 days of court proceedings with 136 witnesses and innumerable pieces of evidence against him broke the man.

They say he got acquitted because of a soft jury.It kind of makes a little bit of your soul die every time the courts made a spectacle out of a man who had been so utterly corrupted by everything that's wrong with fame.

Being a showman from the age of 8 made him a terrible judge of character.He didn't know how or when to stop.Practically everyone who met ended up suing him,however he never let go of his of his profligacy till the last day.Completely broke,he lived in a $ 100,000 a-month penthouse !!! All of this has made him only a bigger target.

His controversies in terms of his alleged relationships with children were highly disturbing.any level-headed parent would consider it grossly inappropriate even predatory for that matter.If you refused to believe that his motives were sexual,i suppose you could also argue that children provided MJ with the purity and honesty that adults didn't.

I think children simply fed his messiah complex.After all this as a man who had ordered a giant replica of Da Vinci's Last Supper to hang over his bed with Christ's face replaced with his own.
And in the end it all ruined him.A decade of unemployment and overspending,a series of crippling loan-negotiations.

Now we debate as to whether we should put him with Cobain and Presley and whether he will be greater in death than in life.Well,I don't know.All i know that we are the ones who make maniacs out of them and then want them on stamps to make them immortal
To me MJ is a man of honor, a man of music,i owe him some fond memories of my growing up years.I just want his music to play on.

A Bang and A Whimper

2009-05-21T01:31:00.003+05:30

I have this clingy problem. I get into things, hobbies, people. I throw myself into them.I find other people who are just as involved. Then something happens and just like a delicate floating balloon that was getting bigger and bigger as you kept feeling it with air, it blows up and all that's left are colorful shreds. Like take my Deutsch class ; I was on top of the world when I wrote my A1 exam and now that I can speak some too, I couldn’t care less. Ok, I hope my Lehrer is not reading this. Ahem!!

Lately, I've lost a group of people that I was very attached to. I have probably driven some of them away, others have driven me away, and I didn't even realize that until a few days ago especially after we’ve rocked some legendary crazy nights together, getting knocked off all possible liquor.

I spent some time in a weird disbelieving stupor, thinking of what really went wrong. I fumed at myself and others. I started hating people I thought I liked and who I thought liked me. I doubted. I tried to rationalize, I tried to explain and I actually tried to ask for explanation. I got a bucket of insults poured on me for simply trying to understand. I've mostly stopped keeping up with blogs, I stopped writing and all of it was killing me. I called Ma a bit too much now that I am in HELLORE which made her strangely suspicious (she always thinks I need money again!!) but also happy given that Baba doesn’t fit anywhere into my scheme of things.

I think I'm finally moving to acceptance. Admitting to myself that all the signs in favor of the good times were there and I just chose to ignore them. Embracing, that not being universally liked doesn't make me a bad person. Writing down a huge rant about everything that was wrong with them doesn't matter and it will not change anything, other than blow up the bitterness I'm trying to move away from.

The problem is - I don't always have a good way of dealing with unexpected reactions from people I've considered my friends. Most of the time, I do the only thing that always helps me. I retreat into this awesome invisible pseudo-shell where I always ran to as a scared little stuttering shy kid and removed myself from the situation. I leave. Sometimes leaving merely means stepping away for a few days, taking a break, cooling off, thinking things through before finding a better way of dealing with them. I leave so I make it through the rough patch.

I've been told to stop being bitchy and accused of always complaining, never being happy. Well I’m not. I guess it doesn’t come that effortlessly for some people. Now I feel a little bit like as if I just broken up a long painfully-romantic relationship, full of good memories, but simply too broken to fix, cracks of which I've been trying to ignore, until the pieces crumbled around me.I feel drained.

I look at my login screen and I have no idea what I'm about to do. The good thing about hobbies is that you can always pick up a new one. The bad thing about hobbies on cyberspace is that they are full of human ties, friendships,strings attached and all that and its simply impossible to let go of them, atleast some of them.

But one thing that strikes me amidst all feelings of loss and regret is relief.
Relief. Like when you come back from this long trip and you find all your stuff neatly unpacked, your bed made so you can just snuggle under covers and wait to fall asleep.

Yet another rant....

2009-05-06T10:07:00.002+05:30

I sometimes wonder how long I’m going to sulk and consequently listen to blues, binge on zinger burgers, French fries and chocolates, have crazy cravings for things I can’t do on my own.

And friends keep blogging about how opening up helps and how friends are always there and all that.

It feels like a crime not to be happy; and with the whole NDTV thing coming up; after I fought with the world convincing them that it was I was supposed to do all along and I’d be good at and blah blah!! I guess the hunt is more fun than the kill, huh??

Lately all I’m doing after my lab work is getting a whole lot HIMYM and SCRUBS watching done and even people in sitcoms are falling in love, making babies!! Lately a close friend is expecting his first kid and send me some pics of his wife and it made me go "Awwww!! i want one of those!!" .All my girlfriends are “committed” and to quote a really close friend she’s supposedly “making out like bunnies” in Europe. That gives me a horrible visual btw. Phew!! Why me??

I started freaking out people at home so much so (given that I didn’t speak apart from monosyllables) that I was forcefully taken to Shantiniketan because Ma insisted that I needed a break. It was a good break away from all the cynical people I know and concrete jungles and all that but now that I’m back I’m onto it again, as a somebody aptly puts it I’m “feeling sad about the same thing once again”. I had promised myself that my blog won’t be a shithole for my psychobabble and here I go ranting again.

Last time I remember I was sulking because I thought I was in love and now I’m sulking because I can’t go out with my phenomenally hot neighbour on our customary walks all over Salt Lake because I’m leaving the city :-) and the outcome of it all are my regular visits to Someplace Else and rush headlong into pitchers of gold and tell off some poor friend (read Crush) because he’s happy with some chic!!!! I so want to undo that; if life would just be like my Ipod…..rewind, fast forward or shuffle.

Well the bright side of it all is I’ve watched a lot of good cinema, thanks to Max Mueller Bhavan and its Docu-forum and the upcoming “Dialogues in Diversity” featuring a series of short films selected from the 5^th Asian Women’s Film Festival 2009 supplemented by two relevant German films as well. Each of them has touched me in some way or the other, made me a little better or worse.Also I’ve done some quality reading, Franz Kafka’s Amerika, Mohsin Hamid’s Moth Smoke and Mohammed Hamid’s A case of Exploding Mangoes among a few others. The last two being the finest political thrillers I’ve come across in a very long time.

15 sachen über mich.

2009-04-25T23:36:00.002+05:30

Ich hasse es,früh am Morgen aufzuwachen.
Ich hasse es,mein Bett jeden Morgen zu machen.
Und folglich krieche ich gern wiederhinein,wo ich war.
Ich bin eine schreckliche Köchin.
Ich kann für dunkle Schokolade und KäseKuchen sterben.
Ich habe eine sehr hohe Alkohol-Toleranz.
Ich habe auch eine hohe Schmerzschmelle,ich habe vier piercings in jedem ohr.
Ich liebe Wodka und Rum cocktail-mixturen ich mache (ausschlieβlich für mich).
Ich habe ein Lied,um mich an jede besondere Person in mienem Leben zu erinnern.
Ich habe eine Leidenschaft für Schawrz und Purpur und diese Farben beherrschen meine Garderobe.
Ich liebe Hügel und will ein paar jahre an einer vergessene Ecke des Kanchenjunga verbringen.
Ich bin eine an Schlaflosigkeit Leidende.
Ich habe immer einen Lieblingshund gewünscht aber nie einen bekommen.
Ich bin sehr impulsiv und denke nie bevor ich etwas mache.
Müsik hält mich am Leben,tag aus tag ein.

15 random things about me

I hate to get up early in the morning.
I hate to make my bed every morning.
And consequently like crawling into it the way i left it.
I am a terrible cook
I can die for dark chocolate and cheesecake.
I have a very high Alcohol tolerance.
I also have a very high pain threshold,i have four piercings in each ear.
I love the vodka and rum concoctions that i make(strictly for myself though!!)
I have a song to remember every special person in my life by.
I have an obsession for black and purple and these colors rule my wardrobe.
I love the hills and will spend a few years in some forgotten corner of the Kanchenjunga.
I am an Insomniac.
I have always wanted a pet dog but never got one!!
I am very impulsive and never think before doing something.
Music keeps me alive,day in day out. :)

For no good reason....

2009-04-21T20:54:00.003+05:30

okay the reasons why i haven't been blogging are lame but i just can't help them:

1)i was on vacation with my folks in shantiniketan for poila boishak :-) more on that later.
2)its 42.5 degrees in kolkata and powercuts, i've pretty much lost it !!
3)i've been sulking a bit too much or maybe the dry spell lasted too long this time.
4)i'm tired of all the "what's wrong with you?"s from every living creature i know.....
5)i've been stuck with my deutsch classes and i promise you guys a post in deutsch shortly !
and the worst of them all,
6)IT has hit me again,to be or not to be?to tell or not to tell?do i or don't i?all because i can't get over IT.

Haven't i said enough?? get lost !!!

To You...

2009-04-07T18:01:00.002+05:30

To the time that passes me by...
There were the good times.The bad times.And you.
There was the adolescence,with or without the loneliness....and you.
There were the long sweaty summer afternoons,the feeling down,and the careless scribbles across the pages.....and there was you.
The playing guitar in the neighborhood,stolen tunes and stolen lyrics....and you.
The falling in love for the millionth time,and the dull Grey sky becoming beautiful all of a sudden...and you.
The usual morning jog;on those terrible days when i was disillusioned that i needed to lose weight.
That one-sided soul-searching,intimate conversations, whatever on the roof....and you.
That horrible day when college got over and i left the city,rebelling over depression and neck-deep in vodka....and the thought that i would never see you again.
The bad days at work.Screaming and taking it out on the road that i walk on.
Mindlessly tossing coins at the street urchins and advising them to go to school.....they would just blink and run away.
Getting claustrophobic at home with mom,dad and rest of the paraphernalia and breaking down on the bathroom floor....and you.
If there's anyone who's brought me everything I'd ever cherished,it's been you.

So this goes out to YOU..........my most unusual friend.

My Inconvient Reality

2009-04-01T00:25:00.001+05:30

I am back to a world where some questions have answers and some remain but open ended statements.
I was hit by a profound reality today when the girlfriend of a so-called friend called me up to ask me to stop talking to or messaging him.I complied without a word.
She continued to say “I knew you would understand” and then hung up.
I did understand.Life has it’s weird ways.That too a day before my b’day when I wanted to call them both over for dinner.
It just left me wondering about fragility of such inconsequential relationships.

Nevertheless Life is a positive streak,an obtrusive flash of light.I have pushed myself over the edge at times when it’s been hard.I forced myself to believe that hope is not just a four-letter word, that it implies so much more.
Right now,I’m sorting my life out,trying to find the missing pieces of the puzzle before I shift to Delhi in July. A paradigm shift from my present field of study,a colossal load of work,the pressure to prove myself……it’s making me jittery already.

I guess I am addicted to obsessing. I ALWAYS have a Current Obsession. At the moment its my internship with NDTV.Broadcast journalism is a lot of responsibility I feel. I already feel responsible for not bringing persistent and significant changes to my society, my environment and my country for these 23 years that I have walked on Earth.

I admit I’m scared.Scared of it all,homesickness,nuclear living,strange cities and strange deceitful faces,the weight of consequences and choices that I have always made on my own. My jaded and inconvenient reality.

The cling thing.....

2009-03-23T21:02:00.004+05:30

Came across this in a book i read recently

"Learn to detach.....but detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.On the contrary,you let it penetrate fully.That's how you are able to leave it"
Mitch Albom,Tuesdays with Morrie.

It's so apt for those small tiny attachments in life we don't want but hopelessly keep clinging on to.

the stuff of thought.......

2009-03-08T10:52:00.006+05:30

I sometimes wonder why I care so much about what other people think.......I tend to have these weird theories for every odd little thing, which are totally justified if I explain them to you (in painstaking details of course).More on them later.

Lately I have been spending too much time with Roxy. That's her.
Ya I know she's a fish, but she's by far the sexiest in my fish tank and she's a great listener too :p

Days are getting sultrier and nights sweatier in Kolkata as the age-hold ceiling fan keeps moving with persistent angry groans.....

I by the way am trying to do the following:

to get over Saturday-night loneliness
to get the lying cheating bastard of an ex-bf out of my head
to resist giving in to chocolates(they monstrously take over me)
to stop leching at the phenomenally hot guy in my neighbourhood
to read up as many books as possible(not because I don't have anything else to do)
to remember to feed Roxy(since I never forget myself)
to stop obsessing about why I’m always broke when there's a sale in shopper's stop
to stop attending "biye-baris" so as to perpetually avoid aunties who think it's my turn next
to go home more often(not that it helps much)
to stop daydreaming in my deutsch classes and not laugh when sir makes funny faces to teach us how to pronounce the words..

Whoa!! I got ten things already and I could go on forever....
I guess I'm sleeping too less and thinking too much.

My male bashing......

2009-03-01T01:04:00.004+05:30

I either have a bad case of blogger's block or I have finally come to the realization that I have nothing interesting to say and that it may be a sign that I shouldn't write. I usually find blogging kind of therapeutic and I definitely need therapy because I'm crazier than a shithouse rat.(For sure anyone who knows me will back me up on that.)
This post was long due and i just have to do this to get it out of my system.So here goes,ten reasons why i hate men and i will always continue to so no matter who or what tries to change it.

1.I hate guys who don’t understand any part of the word NO. I mean there are only so many times you can ask a guy to back off…but “he” still doesn’t get the bloody point!!

2.It’s very irritating when your guy refuses to shave (referring to facial hair here). Agreed he looks rugged and handsome and all that, but what when you wanna lick ice cream off his face? :P

3.I detest guys with no balls. I mean they are the kind that will pass comments on a girl when in a big group, but ask them to go up to a girl and strike a conversation and they will shit their pants.

4.What is it with guys and defaming girls who refuse to date them? The minute she says “am not interested”, he will go ahead and tell the whole world she’s a whore! And if she goes out with him, he’ll tell everyone she slept with him! How pathetic!!!

5.The above point leads me to this one: guys seem to think that women who drink and smoke are easy to take to bed. Why???? I just don’t get it ( no references to anyone in particular!!)

6.I hate it when guys stare at a woman’s boobs when talking to her. Some do it discreetly, while some are so fucking shameless that it disgusts me. Women should probably stare at such guys’ crotch while they do so. Wonder if that’ll help or make things worse…

7.I hate guys who equate perspiration (read body odour) with masculinity. A lot of men nowadays take care of personal hygiene, and ensure they smell good, but there are loads that don’t, and being around them literally takes your breath away.

8.I hate guys who are extra chivalrous. You know the kinds that will insist on dropping you home in spite of the fact that you can go yourself; the kind that won’t even let you pay the bill at a restaurant…Am not sure if you call that chivalry!

9.There are those who have unresolved mommy issues and expect their girlfriends to keep mothering them all their life yet pretend to be all macho and hunky on the outside.I mean grow up !!!

10.Then there is just the opposite kind that thinks guys are superior to gals. I don't think men are even half a notch above women!

Ahhh......I'm already feeling better !!!

Slumdog mania....

2009-02-24T01:30:00.002+05:30

It is indeed a proud moment for the nation as Rahman and the Slumdog team sweeps 8 Oscars this year.I'm sure every Indian walks with his head a little bit higher today.

But amidst all the Slumdog glory we tend to forget the other very significant film that was honored.The documentary Pinki Smiles based on a touching true story of a little girl in a village in UP.It is n should be equally acknowleged and accepted.

Also i don't agree with those people who say that India's poverty-striken slums have been publicized to evoke sympathy of the western world and that's what is selling our films.
I guess its time we got used to hearing the truth about ourselves.A nation whose soul lies in its streets,slums and its underdogs is our stark n brutal reality.

We'd rather have our voices heard,our stories told than sit and crib about our struggles for survival.
All i can say an honour well-deserved and long due for the Mozart of our times.

Amar bhindeshi tara....

2009-02-20T00:04:00.005+05:30

Amar bhindeshi tara,aka raater i akashe,
tumi bajale akatara,amar chilekothar pashe....
Thik shondhhey namar aage,tomar naam dhore keu dake
mukh lukiye kar buke , tomar golpo bolo kake?
Amar raat jaga tara, tomar onno paray bari
amar bhot paoa chehara, ami aadote anari....

Amar aakash dakha ghuri,kichhu mithey bahaduri
Amar chokh bedhe dao aalo, dao shanto sheetol pati....
Tumi maa'er motoi bhalo, ami akla-ti poth hati...
Amar bichhiri ak tara, tumi nao na kotha kane,
tomar kisher ato tara? rasta paar hobe shabdhane...

Tomar gaay lage na dhulo,amar du mutho chal chulo
rakho shorir e hath jodi ....aar jol makho dui hathe...
Please ghum hoye jao chokhe......amar mon kharap-er raate
Amar raat jaga tara,tomar aakas-chhoa bari
Ami paina chhute tomay.......amar akla lage bhari.....

Into oblivion with cocaine..

2009-02-17T22:53:00.005+05:30

Watched DEV.D today......blowed me away.what a film!!
Thank God for Anurag Kashyap, i mean imagine a world without rule-breakers.When creativity crumbles,mavericks come forth.

The movie is a long flight of fancy from its first frame,its unusual cinematography, dizzy editing, non-linear plot, turn-of-the-century dialogues and breathtakingly bizarre audio track should all fetch extra brownie points for it.

Dev D is like that heady cocktail which has the vodka pitched perfectly with the tang. (Incidentally, Dev D likes his vodka with thumbs up, washed down in unlimited portions, morning, noon and night!)Abhay Deol turns out to be the new archetypal "hero" with his coke,joints and vodka,a paradigm shift from the sugar-coated self-destructive metrosexual icons of the industry.The film is splattered with inspirations from Kafka,Sartre and my demi-god Kurt Cobain.

It really doesn't matter whether the film ends up as a box office scorcher.Tracks like ‘saali khushi', ‘nayan tarse' re-invents mainstream bollywood music.It should go down in history as one of the most radical Indian films, at least in its delineation of male and female sexuality.

...stroll down amnesia lane....

2009-02-11T13:29:00.001+05:30

I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately.
I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

golden elixir of health down my throat......

2009-02-07T01:01:00.004+05:30

Ya for those few people who have read my last post and those fewer people who have got those totally whacked out psychotic msgs, guys i have finally lost it.And this time the bitch in me has given up and decided to take some help to get me through this rough patch.

So my posts have and will become fewer for sometime now as i have let people invade me,confront me,fight me,break me through .............................hold me down and cream their lives onto my face.

The two things that are keeping me alive at this moment are grass and the "golden elixir of health down my throat" ..............the remnants in my bottle of brandy %-).
If anybody has any bright ideas as to how i can actually quit fagging,do gimme a buzz.

Till then................i will let the spirits flow.

Peace out

Losing

2009-01-29T01:09:00.002+05:30

Heavy swollen eye-lids,
A lurch in the stomach,
An urge to vomit.
Clogged brain,
weak limbs---tottering.
Hands grope for support.......
The body collapses.
Hiding,supressing cries and sobs,
A choked gurgle escapes.
Deflected by the Blur......
It rebounds and echoes in my empty mind.
Trapped by the unfeeling,inhuman Blur.
The iron maiden is extracting the life,
falling behind in the race is Death.
Depressed.dejected,...................faltering.
Dying.

Ich spreche etwas deutsch.........

2009-01-22T00:23:00.002+05:30

I am finally speaking deutsch............i am ecstatic!!!

Though i am just in the initial stages of it all, just making small conversations possible, trying to get the accent and diction right , twisting my tongue in all those wierd ways to just get the words right but its totally worth it!!!

My weekends have now become cluttered with two long deutsch classes,a pile of deutsch books,a few hasty trips to goethe institut(i still cant quite figure out which bus goes where in the city and eventually end up boarding a wrong one!!!!!!!) and the midnight oil i am burning to get my stuff right.

Wow, a lot of exclamation marks in those last few lines huh? But it's how I would say it. I like to keep my "voice" when I write.Seriously i have never been so excited about learning something new,hope that this one sticks!!

German has a word for everything, like "ohrwurm". Translated literally as "earworm" in English, it's the word for songs that get stuck in your head and won't go away.
maybe i will try and have an entire post in deutsch soon.....................till i feel i have learnt enough to brag about......:-)

Auf Wiedersehn!!!

My wierd questions

2009-01-15T22:44:00.008+05:30

Life has been blog-dry for some time now.
This tag is intended to tickle the funny bone in all you guys......I got a mail this morning that required me to answer the following questions as part of some survey( god knows what it must be for!!)So here goes........

Q: Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full?
A: Depends on its contents…

Q: Are you an outdoor or an indoor person?
A: Depends on what you wanna do. I mean, I can’t be trekking on my sofa, right?

Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: FIVE YEARS! You’ve gotta be freakin' kidding me!

Q: What are you most proud of in your life?
A: My ass..................period. :p

Q: Romance or Kinky Sex?
A: A heady mix of both!

Q: Would you rather be hot or cold?
A: Is the question implying whether I prefer being in a cold or hot place? Cold definitely, with a hot partner and a bottle of scotch.

Q: Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
A: What kind of sadist thought of this question???

Q: Favorite element?
A: Carbon. (cuz that’s what gives us the DIAMONDS baby !!!)

Q: What was your last thought?
A: “What is my favourite element”(flash** periodic table chemistry book**)

Q: Have you had a beer in the last week?
A: I don’t drink beer. Get me tequila!

Q:Favorite body part?
A: Whose? Mine? I think I already answered that :D

Q:Do you like bananas?
A:Yes I do like to eat them. ....................*And the point was????*

Paranoia?not that i'm liking it but utterly convinced that its finally starting to show!!
WTF!!!

Of cloned plasmids and stubborn proteins..........

2009-01-08T00:43:00.005+05:30

My posts are getting fewer by the day,the reason? i am working my ass off in my lab.
This is specially for those computer geeks who think my work is not half as much hard work as theirs.
This is also for those who are still partying and holidaying.........the new year has long begun my friend and that too with a bang!! But for us meaner and humbler creatures of the dust its all about working on weekends..........:-(

Well for my six-month term project i am working with E.coli and Lambda phage.Its basically a study of certain protein-protein and protein-DNA interactions when an E.coli is infected by a phage.I had to initially construct plasmids which had my concerned proteins under study cloned tandem into them.

It was working as i had planned(after reading a dozen papers on the subject) and i was proud of my pace!!..........i always am at many other things as well!! Then then came my roadblock,after purifying the proteins i couldn't get them to express on the Western Blot.
Patience i thought would pull me through here but stubborn that these proteins are,i didn't get a single blot band on the membrane.To make things worse,i used a wrong reagent today and screwed it all up.

Now i am clueless as to what's my next step should be.............maybe i should prepare the primary and secondary antibodies for the blot again.
What the FUCK!!!!!!!!!! thats four days of my work,staying in that lab till 9pm gone.
Life's a BITCH!!!!

My life's blah blah!!!!.......

2009-01-04T20:42:00.004+05:30

Sorry, everyone…it’s finally “Me, me, me!” time again. I am once again here to take over the whole universe and spam it with only talk about myself. You don’t deserve to be treated this way-but, hey…it is the only time when I can really focus on myself so much. In the regular world, it is about everyone else. (Or is it?)

For those who wonder…. I’m fine, good even, which says a lot for me, even though I havn’t written much.It’s been hectic, and all of you have lives to so i’m sure you know how it goes.
Incredible how the days and weeks fly by, one blurred strip of color after another…A few highlights, a few issues, and my life can be placed neatly into a square little box, packed away and ready for someone else to open. Maybe a gift to someone? I don’t know really because I hardly get comments at all. It just tells me how uniquely similar I am to everyone else.

Few months back I was madly in love… Stupid, blind,dumb head-over-heels in love.
I can at least tell you that I am not with that person now, that I know. But then I ask myself ........"What does it matter, the grass is no greener elsewhere, only more freshly planted, the roots still shallow".
This time last year I knew where I would be this time, this year… I never doubted that I would still be in love.
Maybe it's time again for my barrelfull of alcohol and some serious post-coital cuddling!!

Of love,vodka and "shesher kobita"

2008-12-31T12:31:00.004+05:30

I am thankful that my weekends have finally got blurry and noisy thanks to those zillion shots of vodka and midnight phone calls that seem to last effortlessly for hours.Also i am finally discovering Kolkata through my innumerable trips in the crowded city buses and the metro.It's not realy half as bad.
And it's great to be in love again...........ya i know I've said that so many times that it's become an inside joke that my friends laugh at but what the heck!!!

Three more things i'm realy looking forward to:

the Pink Floyd tribute at Someplace Else 10th jan
german classes at Max Mueller Bhavan from 17th jan
the Kolkata Book Fair after a long six years

Books that i read recently were few but long due,had to catch up with a little bit of culture once i'm in the city.Shesher Kobita by Tagore and Na-hanyate(La Nuit,French; Bengal Nights, English) by Maitreyi devi.

Initial in the dust........

2008-12-24T23:59:00.000+05:30

By some predetermined chance
petal by newer petal
inwards and outwards unfold my incandescent life in space;
When you look at a petal closely for the first time,
it grows transparent:you look through it into the abyss
the way a rose-leaf thins out to a bloodless parchment..........
Or a flame splits up an oil-wick into separate stamens of orange against night's purple.

Everywhere i may go yet,you
snake around my body;out and in......
Forked memory darting here and there
withdrawn into some hidden lipless kiss.........
I used as well to dance,before
your absence turned the days
into acres of ice and created deserts out of my long nights.

Each harsh tropical day
the shadow of incommunicable memory
slants across the canvas of the present hour:
All that is not you
is so full of you............

Nuance
of your initial glances off the moonscape;
wake me with the warmth of jubilant green dances,
exhilarating ,melting..........
Forgotten are those nights on your roof,
They have all pushed me forward and i have numbly moved on.

Yesterday no more..........

2008-12-18T13:14:00.000+05:30

I finally came back to Kolkata, spent the first two weeks lazing around at home and doing my long overdue heap of good deeds like helping my kid sister with her schoolwork or helping mom around the kitchen a little bit. Then came the PG hunting, I had no idea that finding a decent PG accommodation in Salt lake would be so hectic and confusing. Anyway I finally got a good one and shifted last Sunday much to my parents’ relief (atleast it seemed so!!).

My good deeds also included my customary visit to my alma-mater to meet my old teachers. Visiting school this time was a revelation of sorts. It made me realise the fantastic world we once existed in and how we succumbed to its pseudo comfort. Those blurred nostalgic moments come flashing by everytime raw ruthless competition bangs straight on my face. The world I live in now is rudely and curtly “real”. Even now there’s a little girl somewhere inside who pops her head from nowhere and leaves me in the labyrinth of bittersweet memories.

College however taught me the lessons of a lifetime. Here memories come with cold expiry dates. I was always among the top five so no one dared to sneer at me because they needed my help. No one praised me either. My voice wasn’t mellifluous, dance never captured my toes and sports was just not for me. I was yet another obscure face in the sea of the faceless.

With just six months left for masters to get over I now know that life will never be a cakewalk anymore. It taught me to trust my enemies, they don’t flatter me. It revealed that there are more frustrations than excitements in life for people like us who are not born with a silver spoon, that success is perched above a thousand rickety stairs of failure. It made the stubborn me realise that I had 40 classmates and hardly one true friend. And then when those stipulated 5 years went by it declared it didn’t need me anymore and I subtly conveyed that I didn’t need it either.

Lastly it shouted shamelessly at me, you live one day and survive everyday.

Want

2008-12-17T15:34:00.000+05:30

Want a cold cloudy day so that i can oversleep
Want to catch the bus on time
Want to be with family
Want to stop bothering about the future
Want to tell a friend how much he means to me
Want to have a good cry and not feel guilty about it later
Want to stop sulking over past relationships
Want loud noisy blurry weekends
Want to be with someone who cares
Want to sit on the roof with my 3rd bottle of vodka and fight with the stars
Want to reach out to a special someone i've been ignoring
Want to be loved.

Disillusionment

2008-12-03T00:23:00.000+05:30

Palms dipped in pails,
Brimming with synthetic liquid;
Spattered fingerprints on the bleak facades,
Like cement fragments broken into rubble.

A grey cat sits by the window pane
Licking the bewildering dust;
The mocking crow calls incessantly
Bellowing the stagnant air,
As it paddles into motion.

The clock strikes hours in advance.
A misty vision is mitigated,
As obtrusive flashes of red-light,
Capers the floor of sight;
To ballet over the cross-section of time.

yet another one....

2008-11-21T02:39:00.000+05:30

Watched Dostana today.I think its official now that Karan Johar is undoubtedly the undisputed king of crass and tasteless cinema.

I mean put in a shirtless poster boy in a pair of very tiny shorts(make him run in them on beaches obviously!!), a foreign locale (if not the usual Switzerland or New york then Miami!!),a monstrous penthouse(totally unaffordable though they call it home!),throw in some shreds of clichéd designer outfits and there …………….you have a movie!!!

When exams were squeezing the last bit of juice in me and all the late nights had given me the dark circles of an owl,I thought that this movie would come as a relief.In a way it did,we de-stressed by ogling at John don’t-remember-when-he-last-had-clothes-on Abraham’s washboard abs................:-p

The other very predictable things about the movie was the Oh-so-boring typical Punjabi Bollywood “maa” with her “pooja-ki-thali” who’s more than obsessed with her son.And not forgetting the Bollywood “heroine” who just has to act dumb(aren’t they realy??) and sit pretty while three over-grown remotely mature guys go about serenading her!!!

And as far as the "being gay" issue goes,its outrageous!! I have friends who are gay and they are perfectly normal people.Neither do they behave like women nor are they overtly expressive of their sexuality.Give them a break guys!!

At a point of time the movie is not even funny anymore.Its just another random addition to the storehouse of mindless emotional sagas the guy makes with a "force-you-to-cry happy ending".I mean the guy rips off scenes from his own earlier films..............lolz!!!!

I think he should stick to his "koffee-drinking" household gossip with his "chaddi-buddies"(he calls that a chat show!!)

I'm just glad that i didn't go to an INOX to check this one out! Now that's money well-saved...

The ending of an era...........

2008-11-14T21:34:00.000+05:30

Been away for quite some time now.
Third semester exams started today (and i'm blogging!!!) VIT is finally ending for all of us,ten more days to go and i am off to Kolkata for good.Feels kind of wierd that i might never sit in a classroom again.It's been an inseparable part of me since i was a toddler.

Since VIT is ending,now is the time when i have to fill in a zillion slambooks and diaries(yes i know its highly cliched but we still do it!)Its something i despise,mainly because i don't even know the names of half the people in my class in whose slambooks i write!!! The only bright side of such illustrious wastage of time is that i get to generously give all my "gyaan" whether they like it or not.
Anyway the bottomline is that writing in these stupid slambooks gives me a new insight on people and relationships.

People come and people go.Some leave a lasting impression and fond memories and others don't even make a dent.For some you wish you had the time to get to know them better before they moved out of your life(sometimes without even telling you that!!!) and for others you wish you hadn't even laid your eyes on them.Some you wish had stayed and others had never come!!

Relationships are an investment i believe.Some invest more and others less.But everyone invests!! They are also based on the"give and take system". Again,some people give more than others,but in the end everyone has to give something!! It could be their time,thier money or their integrity.That's just a way of life and human interaction.But somehow some people will still have issues in acknowledging this.

The complexities of the human mind are truly fascinating!!

Mumbai meri jaan.........

2008-10-22T21:45:00.000+05:30

Finally I thought of my blog.I have just been simply lazy lately and given the fact that I have rediscovered the joys of napping only to be interrupted by food and an episode of Scrubs here and there,blogging was the last thing I was thinking about.

I sometimes feel I shouldn’t be making my life public for people to read but the other day someone told me that “blogging is not making my life public its about making my opinion public” so I am back.

Lots have been happening which have to go on my blog.

First of all Bombay happened………my best friends mandy(mandrila) and beda(bedannita) have shifted there some time now so crashing in with them for a few days was always an option,plus I had never been to Bombay before so things kinda fell into place n I went there for a week.

Mumbai to me was just a name of a city in some corner of the country I had never been to, and like most non-mumbaikars I also perceived it as being an unsafe place given the horrific train blasts(7/11)………and to add to that the grim picture that bollywood gives us of mafias or should I say “bhai”s patrons of india’s underworld who sit in every random “galli” ruling the city at gunpoint. All I knew of Mumbai was that it has Asia’s largest slum “Dharavi” in the heart of the city, marine drive, the Juhu beach and the famous “vadapao” and “gola”.

But the week that I spent there gave me the bigger and the more real picture.The city is an enigma and its people a mystery. Not even for a moment did I feel like an outsider there, it all felt so mine.From the auto-wala to the random shopkeeper,from the stranger who sat next to me in the local train to the street vendors in Bandra……….i had this weird sense of belonging,something that I didn’t have even for Kolkata.

Four days passed in four seconds and my friends crammed in all that they could of Mumbai into me. The best part was late night outings on marine drive, we were out there for hours staring at the sea and the occasional “sutta” added to the soul searching.The distant lights from the skyscrapers were like a bevy of watchful eyes seemed to keep a track of the reckless impulsive bunch that we were.One thing remains though…… I still don’t know how the queen’s necklace looks in broad daylight L

Then came the shopping……..street shopping,every girl’s favourite pastime when the bucks are a little low. I was amazed at the kind of stuff that these street vendors had,they could give brands a run for their money.We spent hours on Link road,Hill road and the streets near the Colaba Causeway till we dropped.Its just the one thing that girls never get tired of.I also thought that the average mumbaikar was better dressed than people in other metros,everybody seemed to know what’s in vogue .I am obviously broke after all the mindless shopping,I even got stuff that I would probably never ever use, i guess I was on some kind of an eclectic high.

And finally all the nice people I met in Mumbai,it would never be the same without you guys. Mandy,Beda,Khyati and all the lovely friends that you have.Mandy simply because she’s my my best friend, all those silly reasons that we keep giggling endlessly at,all the gossip that we share and her delicious sandwiches!! I think the time we took to end up making them with the olives and garnishing(ahem!) and that we were too exhausted to actually eat them made it all the more crazy.

Not forgetting my buddy Abhishek dude you rock!! I actually sat through those horrible movies “Kidnap” and “Drona” because I was with you.The bus ride back to Bangalore was fun because of your crappy and crazy sense of humour. Hoping tht you end up getting that “hot chic” that you have always been looking for ;-)

And lastly Mumbai has “something” that I have and will always crave for but can never have. Fate denies us our most wanted things :-(

memories of midnight

2008-09-21T16:15:00.000+05:30

A dry leaf tosses frantically in the storm oblivious to the course where storm is carrying it.He sneaked into my life like a zephyr.Gentle but charismatic which turned into a cyclone of my desires and wishes.He stirred up the quiescent desires of a juvenile girl.

He couldn't percieve the changes i was going through and neither did i bother.I just kept floating amidst the torrents............at times sinking deep and at times hovering on the surface to envisage the new world around me.I was drenched in the rains of love ignorant to the fire curtained within it.

The fire is still ablaze........a fire that is wild and passionate..........turning my fragments leisurely into ashes..........
Just like the storm that is restlessly anticipated to carry away my vestiges................

Ahh!! burning is a joy...........my immense gratitude for this pain that you bestowed on me.....:-)

Fireflies.

2008-09-19T10:21:00.000+05:30

Ephemeral nemesis of lightness gloom
Near some eerie fragment of psychedelic apparition
Medieval beacons shimmering silently in the dark,
Like creation itself.........
Fireflies flit around me,
My mind,my beliefs.
Infinitesimal torchbearers of unfathomed creation!
You may not be much to discern
And the tiny beam you shoot may seem trifling
But somehow,
When all of you glisten together........
For one fleeting instance....
This pitiful darkness clears a lot........i can behold my path again.
When i trap you in my palm,you glow on........
Undaunted,unvanquished.
You make me hope again,trust again..............thai i may be able to make it back home,
Through this thickening darkness............you make me try again
To clear this misanthropic dark an inch more.
Instead of all those cowards who assure me that dawn shall soon come,
And yet leave me alone in the dark and hide...........behind the impotent curtains of hypocrisy!!
So glow on my friend!
And maybe in this tragic night we shall find companions in each other.........
We shall combat our enemies together,
Triumph together,laugh together............
Fearful were my thoughts wen i first embarked out on this night,
Yet i feel sovereign again.............
For now i know,even when the night grows most malignant..............i shall see your steady gleam.
Tiny...........
Flickering...........and victorious!!!

Occasional syringe in my thought process........

2008-09-01T23:18:00.000+05:30

I did a whole lot of nothing today, which is a lot of hard work if you ask me.I think I napped twice. Awesome. College kind of gets to u especially if you are in some god-forsaken place like Vellore. But it also kinda makes you want to hold it all back a little longer .Yup.......its official now……………just three months left for VIT to get over……..Phew!!!! It was one hell of a year!!!!! When you are in a place that takes pride in its rules and regulations and always comes up with some crappy new rule to bug you,you eventually know where to find the loopholes and thats where the fun begins!!!!!

Now we are all busy taking snaps all the time. We all have boxes of old photos stored on some back shelf. It’s amazing the history and memories that these little pieces of paper hold. They are of course priceless and irreplaceable (even the ones where you look stupid and even wierd sometimes........)

The other good thing that happened this weekend was ROCK ON!!.........what a kickass movie!!!!! The entire theatre was filled with VITians and bloody we screamed our lungs out!! The girls couldn’t get enough of Farhaan Akhtar(what more can this guy do????) and Arjun Rampal(sexy pony by the way!!!)…….i mean where the hell was all this all this time.On a more serious note,the film truly marks the coming of age of bollywood, it’s a well-made film with a lot of detailing and also lived upto the expectations of the “ paisa wasool” junta.

My phone has finally given in after 3 years of faithful servitude. Now that I come to think of it I think of all the people I’ve been mean to, I’ve been the worst ever to my phone. I’ve soaked it in water, thrown it several times(because I was pissed with some stupid guy!!)………..Well I'm praying that I no longer get the "white screen of death" that my phone has been doing to me lately.

I've crossed paths with some people lately who think I'm awesome. I love that, and it's a good feeling, but I have to question it. Nobody sees the same damn fool that I see in the mirror every time I brush my teeth. What the heck……….I am who I am. And I had a really big "Who am I?" crisis yesterday……getting lot better now though.
And don't ask me why I'm awake at such an awful hour. Please. Yes, I'm a nutcase. Let's get that out of the way.I’m completely devoid of nicotine. Maybe that why I’m so bitter. Its like an occasional syringe in my thought process, but otherwise, I'm doing great.

Blogs can be wild, unpredictable storehouses of moments, tangents, creative dervishes, if you will. My mental compost heap (which is a catch phrase from Natalie Goldman or Julia Cameron - I can't think which, right now) finally seems to be allowing a fairly regular seepage of by-products. Its a gross analogy, but I give myself credit to be what I am today. It proves that I'm not so much the procrastinating perfectionist that I once was.

And that's what my week's been like, trying to be responsive and lost in my own surroundings. I suppose blogs are a little like soap operas, you tend to get addicted to them. This is again a skeletal version of a mindless entry I wrote that will get lost in the who-knows-where of cyberspace.

couldn't think of what to call this.....

2008-08-23T00:09:00.000+05:30

Came across a page from my diary which i wrote when i was in the 9th standard,probably because i had kept it very carefully all these years,so much that i had forgotten where i had kept it.I had just read "David Copperfield" by Dickens then and this was something that had completely washed me away..................

Diary entry
11th april,2001
"Suppose ________ _________ one day i told you that i loved you and that i would die without you,that i idolised and worshippedyou. Life without your love was unbearable and could not be tolerated so i wouldn't bear it.I haved loved you every minute to distraction and that i would always love you to distraction.Lovers have loved before and lovers would love again but no lover has ever loved,might,will,could,would or should ever love you as i love you...................."

Well,i still haven't got a name to fill in there yet.
Damn love hurts!!!!!

Color

2008-08-19T21:37:00.000+05:30

Color..............color in my veins,in my soul
The nights of inky darkness,...............the chill of blue winters,
the purple dawns,the orange dusks............ancient monuments streaked with red.
the earthy brown of the morning cup of coffee or the yellowed pages of my favorite book.
The half-forgotten dreams of midnight.............

White;..................white like the blinding mists,like the glass of milk i despise...........or the streaks in my mother's hair.
Or grey;the rainy skyline............like the stubborn pangs of guilt still surviving.

Spasms of color explode as i close my eyes and take deep breath.
The order in the chaos.....................a riot of colors.

A warm smile,yellow and bright.........
Tears;blue,grey...........glistening........
Darkness breathes,shadows stealthily creep in grey,blue and white.
Black;............like the void,the nothing,...............black like the all enveloping comforting blanket.

Colors...........fascinating!!

Bits n pieces...........

2008-08-18T18:32:00.000+05:30

Well m finally blogging!!

There's so much to say and words seem inadequate to put them down.Last night found me wandering through a maze of thoughts.kinda makes u feel small where you stand,wen u look ahead,wen u realize all u cud do with ur own quota of grey cells that u allow to go to waste.

Also makes u think,there is after all a point to life........achieving the intangible.

The tangible is petty,money?clothes?car? all dat weak souls like me need to boost their deprieved egos dat they cant seem to pamper with real intangible things.

Real,intangible...........did i just coin an oxymoron there?

I am lost and messed up..........yet again.......... memories like little shafts here and there,too stony to open up,too stubborn to go away.I keep capturing essences,images and impressions as so many people i knw keep moving on past me.

Is dis a wave of inconfidence?No

i have yet another rung to climb.

yet another journey dressed in rags,literary rags